Did I forget to sing?

31 01 2010

Sunday nights have always been a bit stressful for me.  Sunday marks the end of the weekend.  It brings the realization that I need to get back into work mode.  I need to make sure the kids have everything ready to start the new week.  Each week I make a list of things (in my head) that I need to get accomplished over the weekend.  The list is usually unrealistic given various demands and the time constraint of 48 hours.  When will I learn to let go?

This Sunday is no exception.

Roy has been extremely helpful this weekend.  He cleaned the house on Saturday while Joe and I ran errands.  Roy worked miracles!  He was able to convince Nolie to clean his room AND the toy room.   This is the kid that would rather sit in his room for the rest of the day than pick up his toys.  Roy cleaned the oven, steam cleaned the living room carpet, vacuumed, etc.  He also made dinner tonight…a very yummy tortilla soup made mostly out of leftovers.  Double duty!  He cleaned out the fridge while making dinner!  He made lunches for tomorrow!

Even given all of this, I still felt the “gloom and doom” of Sunday evening approaching.  It is hard to explain.  It is almost as if I have a “baby panic attack”  (if there is such a thing) each week.

I began to sort through the piles of mail and laundry while Joe and Roy cleaned the kitchen.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I began to sing.  Sing!  It just came out…a tune from Miss Saigon.  Roy joined in. For a few short moments, the panic disappeared.

I walked up the stairs and stopped for a moment.  I asked myself, “Did I forget to sing?”  When I was younger and even after Roy and I married, I sang all of the time…HOURS and HOURS of singing.  It was one of the rare occasions I could forget about the world.  Stress…tension…worries…world events…everything would just melt away.  Light bulb…I forgot to sing.

Lately I’ve been having WAY TOO MANY pity parties for myself…and it needs to stop.  I cannot go back and change anything.  I cannot bring Grandma and Grandpa back…nor Aunt Kay.  I cannot change what cancer has done to my body, my self esteem, my mind, or the way in which I now view the world.  I am not that girl in the photograph anymore…the one with long hair, thinner face, big smile…that carefree girl wandering around Soho having a great time.  Cancer has stolen so much from me…but geez…it has been almost three years since my diagnosis.

Here’s where the guilt comes in to make me feel even worse. How can I feel this way when I have so much?  I have the best husband, great kids, a family that loves and supports me, wonderful friends, an awesome job, a beautiful home, my health, and so much more.  I have so much more than I ever dreamed was possible.  I have been blessed…yet I feel defeated. I’m just so tired.

That’s it…I wrote it down…it is out there and now I’m going to do my best to let IT go. No more pity parties. No more trying to control the world.  Good grief!  Did I just analyze my emotions?  Next thing you know, I’ll be trying to find my “happy place!”

Side note: “Happy Place” is a huge joke among family and friends.  I went to counseling when I was first diagnosed with cancer.  When the therapist asked me to “find my happy place,” I quit going.  The sessions were not for me.  I had to figure it out for myself.  My Dad’s convertible Mercedes was officially named “My Happy Place” shortly after.

I think I’ll start by singing again…it has been too long.

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5 responses

1 02 2010
Mom

Do you think bouncing along with singing would work? Always used to. Going to run away and work on a flat head this year?

1 02 2010
jteahe01

I don’t know about running away. I’d like to, but don’t think it will be possible.

17 02 2010
Bucky Four-Eyes

Do I need to come over there so we can sing both acts of RENT? You’ll have to sing the high parts, of course.

17 02 2010
jteahe01

Bucky…that would be awesome! Did you know the MSU Theatre Department is doing Rent as part of this year’s season? I may have to go see it!

21 02 2010
Bucky Four-Eyes

I think Angel should dress as Sparty.

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